In the previous installment of “How To Succeed In K-pop Without Really Trying“, I had promised to my loyal readers that it would be a series … so here goes nothing.
I present to you Part 2 of my analysis of the mediocre skills that one needs to succeed in the bombastic world of K-pop!
3. Get your aegyo on.
One of the reasons that I find K-pop absolutely repulsive at times is the presence of what I have come to know as aegyo. It seems, however, that this shit actually ramps up sales for Korean entertainment companies, so a mastery over aegyo is necessary for becoming the next big (mediocre) K-pop star!
In my intensive studies, I find that aegyo appeals to three main audiences:
1) Disillusioned tweens that think this aegyo shit is cutesy as fuck.
2) Horny teen guys that watch way too much fucking hentai.
These three audiences make up the majority of the K-pop fandom, so appealing to them is key!
So how do you pull it off? Well, as granny is showing above, it’s really not that difficult.
Just think about boxes of kittens and puppies sliding down springtime rainbows, smile/pucker your lips awkwardly, open your mouth in the most retarded way possible, and make the peace sign/cat paws/cat claws gesture with your hands.
Meaningless shit like this is apparently what comprises aegyo.
My good friend Sam demonstrates below:
4. Selcas. Overtly sexual selcas.
K-pop idols are not as innocent as many of their fans would like to think.
The reality is that they’re all probably fucking each other behind the scenes. That being said, one of the brilliant techniques that idols use is constantly releasing seemingly innocent selcas that, after thorough investigation, have the makings of amateur porn films.
After School‘s Nana and Jungah are doing it in the above photo, and Rainbow‘s Jaekyung knows full well what this photo is doing to people. Not to mention the selcas allegedly meant to show off their flawless faces that “accidentally” have copious amounts of cleavage in them.
There ain’t anything innocent about that nonsense.
Done fapping yet? Yes? Okay, well then it seems my point has been made.
“NO BUT UNNIR IS AN INNOCENT ANGEL! UR JUST A PERVERTED HATERRRRRRRRR~~~!!!”