So we all know that allkpop isn’t exactly a bastion of journalistic integrity, especially since most of their content stems from translations of already poorly written articles. What disturbs me even more, though, is that when they do try to generate some “original content”, it usually ends up being a total clusterfuck of “what the fucking shit is this crap” nature?
Their latest venture into “journalism” is this little gem, a piece that outlines the allkpop staff picks for the “K-Pop Avengers“, a clear attempt at trying to piggyback off of the (FUCKING AMAZING HOLY FUCKING GOD AHHHHHHHHH) premiere of Marvel‘s latest film endeavor.
Now, you probably don’t know this about me, but I am quite the comic book nerd, and the Marvel universe holds a very special place in my heart. allkpop and their staff picks are an affront to the epic franchise that is The Avengers, and I for one will not stand for it (especially while I’m wasted the fuck out of my mind).
All of their casting calls are pretty off-base, but here are the four that I take the most issue with:
1. Kim Hyun Joong – Thor
Thor is the God of Thunder, son of Odin, and a force to be reckoned with. Wielding his signature hammer, Mjolnir, Thor stirs fear into the hearts of villains across the multiverse.
That guy up there next to Thor is a skinny little pretty boy who was chosen solely for his long hair.
WHAT THE FUCK, ALLKPOP?! WHAT IN THE LITERAL FUCK?
2. HyunA – Black Widow
It’s no secret that I hate HyunA, but the fact that she is the allkpop pick for the K-pop facsimile of Black Widow makes me hate her with a white burning passion that would make the sun seem like a freezer.
Natasha Romanov is Russian super-soldier spy that has a sensual class about her that pales only to her peak human physical abilities. HyunA is a Korean pop harlot whose sexuality is about as discreet as blunt force trauma from the impact of a bus.
Get the fuck out.
3. Park Jin Young – Tony Stark
Tony Stark is a genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist. Park Jin Young is a dancing gorilla.
4. Kim Jong Kook – Bruce Banner
Sure, the Hulk is a huge green monster with heaving muscles and what not. But Bruce Banner? No. Bruce Banner is a skinny little scientist. Kim Jong Kook is not, by any means, a skinny little scientist.
It’s like nerd knowledge for dummies, and since these people run a K-pop site, you know they have to be nerds to a certain extent.
I guess the message is this: The Avengers movie was fucking perfect, and I will never forgive allkpop for sullying this flawless production with the grimy and cheap fingers of K-pop.
Keep publishing your shit about selcas and whatever the fuck, I don’t care, but stay the fuck away from my comic books.