Namie promotes “Uncontrolled” by getting shitfaced around Asia + Ayu wants to kill herself

Amuro Namie has been trying to master the art of pushing units with minimal promotion for years. Well, she’s finally perfected it for “Uncontrolled” by managing to ship over 100,000 copies of her new album on the first day of release, which is more than Hamasaki “Farty Queen” Ayumi and Koda “Ploponesque” Kumi‘s flops managed to ship in their first week.

Bottom line: You ain’t NEVER seeing Amuro Namie perform on TV again.

With Namie’s album managing to keep Avex employees on the payroll for the next fiscal year in lieu of Ayu and Kumi’s flops putting jobs on the line, Avex have managed to gently nudge Namie into promoting outside of Japan to get those extra sales. Avex have a pretty good foothold in Taiwan and Singapore as a result of Hamasaki Ayumi partaking in promotional activities in these countries back when she was relevant. But she’s old news now.

Namie is that new-new who can make shit happen and print that money. The term ‘promotional’ was used loosely on Namie however. The only way Avex could get Namie to agree to do ANYTHING aside from looking miserable was to package the activities as a kind of holiday. Which is why every bit of promotion Namie has been spotted doing has resulted in her receiving gifts, ending up drunk in the VIP sections of clubs, and then stumbling out of the joint drunk at two in the morning – hair still looking fucking amazing like her personal assistant just ran a fresh hand of Vidal Sassoon through it.

Namie will embark on her anniversary tour soon, which sold out the same day the tickets went on sale, and her dates in Okinawa will be featuring a slew of guest artists who have worked with Namie over the years. As with all of Namie’s tours, she will take to the stage in ruffled tops, ruffled skirts, and dem boots, all the while making you question why your fave isn’t able to look miserable on stage and give life.

Namie’s album of Engrish crub bangers, “Uncontrolled”, is in stores now. Be on the look out for Namie promoting “Uncontrolled” in China, Malaysia, and Bangladesh. Or something.