Amuro Namie makes “Big Boys Cry”, passes Hamasaki Ayumi & Koda Kumi a Kleenex

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Amuro Namie wants you to forget all about that Hamasaki Ayumi bitch and focus soley on her, and her management team at Vision Factory want Japan to continue to have Namie shit all over Ayu’s releases.

With a digital single having dropped in December and a tour DVD due out at the end of February and NOW a new digital single slated for March, Ayu’s anniversary releases are looking like mere pebbles in a pond littered with dead frogs and doo-doo. I had reservations about Namie giving so much so soon, but the more that I thought about things rationally, the more I realized:

  1. A snippet of one of the songs sounds hot.
  2. Namie WILL be giving me Engrish on these tracks, and I live for that shit.
  3. Namie gives better results with no fucks than Koda Kumi and Ayu do giving plenty. And we know Kumi gives PLENTY.
  4. ♪ Hot gulls make li worl’ go wound. ♪
  5. Everybody gon’ love these singles when they drop.
  6. No other bitch in J-pop could have their mother die, fall pregnant at 21 and call a shotgun marriage, divorce two years later, and still maintain a career after ten years.

Big Boys Cry” / “Beautiful” will release on March 23, and as if the news alone wasn’t enough, a short clip of “Big Boys Cry” can be heard in Namie’s latest commercial for Esprique – in which she looks pretty much flawless.

This commercial was shot in Namie’s office at Avex. Those papers she threw up into the air = Ayu’s contract. Bye Ayu.

After catching a bullet train out of ratchet central for ‘Uncontrolled‘, she’s JR-lined her way back into it like it’s 2007. This shit sounds like it was recorded circa her ‘Play‘ era. I grew to like ‘Uncontrolled’ and had no problem with her going pop and electro, as I rather liked that Namie came full circle with the genre of music that made her in the first place, but I know a lot of fans were wanting her to throw her shit back to urban crub bangers, and she’s done that now for at least one song.

So ya’ll can shut the fuck up.

I’m just glad that this single features at least 13 seconds of decency after the mess that was “Damage“, because I have zero love for that song. I give Avex my full blessing to omit it from any album of hers which comes next. And anything else … forever.

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I hope Namie has her dancing shoes on and that Vision Factory is putting up dolla, because I need to see a “60s 70s 80s” budget for this video, and for the choreography to be on that “YEAH-OH” and “Naked” ish. I will not accept this bitch sitting on a chair for three minutes looking dead. In related news, I still want Namie to be fined for that mess from the “Make It Happen” music video with the Korean back-dancers.

Namie is like that spiky blue shell from Mario Kart which just fucks up your whole game from the back of the pack. Kumi and Ayu thought they stood a chance and that Namie wouldn’t release anything for a good while … and then this happened.

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