Let’s all take a quick listen to Amuro Namie’s “Big Boys Cry” and “Beautiful” … just because

Stop what the fuck you are doing.

The Queen of Okinawa (No Kuroki Meisa, not you. Please sit down. Editor’s Note: FUCK YOU!) Amuro ‘Les Miserables’ Namie has a double A-side single out. One song is for pussy-popping purposes and the other is about self acceptance … of your pussy and how it has the power to change the world.

I don’t get why people keep talking all this shit about Beyonce being empowering for women with her pro-woman anthems when she ain’t bringing it how Namie is. Neither of these songs of Namie’s are particularly good, but they’re still better than “Run The World“.

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Big Boys Cly

Namie appeases those who missed her urban efforts for ‘Uncontrolled‘ by keepin’ di party lockin’ with her spring twerk anthem, “Big Boys Cry”. It harkens back to her ‘Queen Of Hip Pop‘ and ‘Play‘ days when Namie was transitioning into R&B and showing the world that she can out-miserable every hood black chick on the East Coast and a third of the hos on the West.

“Big Boys Cly” is really all about dropping it faster than Britney Spears‘ panties in 2006. The sing-a-long chorus sounds like a nursery rhyme, and the verses consist of little more than oohs, ahhs, and ad-libs, with instrumental passages back and forthing between an 80s Casio keyboard remix of Chun-Li‘s theme from Street Fighter II and a weak reconstruction of a Major Lazer track.

“Big Boys Cly” isn’t terrible, it just … is. The song may have fared better with me if it had a really strong dance routine, but instead all we get is some Christmas grotto ass shit with Namie working her skinny waist in a dress which is so big and flared out that you wonder why she even bothered to attempt to dance in it.

LISTEN HERE

Engrish Dictionary Entry

Parlee Locking (Verb) – Party Rocking: To keep a party/social soiree jubilant.

Cly (Verb) – Cry: To shed tears. An emotional reaction.

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Beautiful

Somebody should have told Namie to leave the piano ballads to chicks who can give a solid, strong vocal, because she really is not the one. But what do you tell the woman who has gone #1 with an album which had half of its songs sung in Engrish and sold out a tour that had her stand on a platform and shake a pom pom for two hours? Nothing. Can’t tell a bitch NOTHING. Hence why Namie was allowed to record this. Angela Aki just skipped her period over this mess. Even Hamasaki Ayumi is side-eyeing this shit.

Namie is not the best vocalist. She’s barely even good. But in the right hands and with the right production, Namie can own the shit out of a ballad. It’s something she proved to great effect with “The Meaning Of Us” and “Tempest“, but “Beautiful” is horrid. The lyrics are nice, but her vocals … I just can’t.

LISTEN HERE

Engrish Dictionary Entry

Supplies (Verb) (Emotion) – Surprise: To come across something suddenly and/or unexpectedly.

So in summary, what has Namie taught us with these two very lackluster songs?

1. You should keep pushing right up on your man until he cries.
2. You are boolliful.