KPOPALYPSE’s 30 Worst Songs Of 2014: Part 3 – #10-#1

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Welcome to KPOPALYPSE‘s worst songs of 2014! Let’s round up 2014’s greatest K-pop stinkers!

Honorable & Dishonorable Mentions
Part 1: #30-#21
Part 2: #20-#11

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10. J-Rabbit – There’s Got To Be A Good Thing

I know I’ll get a lot of shit for daring to have an opinion and putting a song from Korea’s indie-darlings on this list, but J-Rabbit fucking suck, flat-out.

There’s no sugar-coating the low net-worth of this group’s musical output, no matter how much I might want to like them. YES, the girls are obviously extremely talented. YES, it’s good that they’ve stayed independent and therefore are probably actually making decent money out of what they do. YES, they’re probably really nice people who deserve their success and I sincerely wish them all the best in their future endeavours. And YES, this fucking song sucks fucking donkey dick all night long.

If you’ve still got a mental age of four years or under, or you enjoy occasionally curling up into the fetal position and crying about how horrid the big bad world is, and you just wish a couple of girls would sing you children’s songs and smile at you a bit to make you feel better about your pointless, alienating existence, then you might be able to appreciate J-Rabbit.

Personally, I advocate becoming mentally healthy rather than retreating into the kind of emotionally crippled state that makes J-Rabbit’s music seem appealing, but then each to their own. Far be it for me to tell you how to run your life.

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9. Psy Feat. Snoop Dogg – Hangover

Ignoring the hype, and ignoring the burn that Psy applied to K-pop fans by succeeding where your bias failed by actually making Americans give a shit about him, “Gangnam Style” taken on face value is an alright song. If you’re any sort of pop music fan and you hate it, the truth is that you probably did in fact like it when you first listened to it, but you just got sick of it from overexposure.

There was high initial interest for the follow-up single, “Gentleman”, but that song ultimately was a fizzer because it self-consciously tried to replicate the viral happy accident of “Gangnam Style”. Virality never works out well when it’s manufactured specifically to be viral, and when “Gentleman” came out, every Psy fan from back in the day was like, “Come on, you’ve got six albums under your belt, we know you can do better than rehashing ‘Gangnam Style’ again.″

So at least with “Hangover” he’s done what he should have done before and tried something different, it’s just a pity that the result is a horrible rap stinker that probably wouldn’t even make the cut on a 2NE1 album, and which has likely now firmly cemented the perception of Psy as a one-hit joke in the global marketplace. Psy himself is barely even in it vocally, but the fact that he’s billed first means that he probably still fucking wrote most of it, so we can blame him anyway.

The end of the video teases a new song from Psy called “Daddy”, but it didn’t come out when promised and we should probably be grateful. Just like a real hangover, everyone just wants it to be over as soon as possible, so let’s just thank Psy for his biggest cultural contribution over the last two years: making Brown Eyed Girls do the “Abracadabra” dance again. Then we’ll try to pretend that none of the other business ever happened.

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8. M.O.A – I’ll Call Ya

This song is a true rarity in K-pop, and something that I’m not used to hearing from Korea’s slick studios — not just a bad song, but an amateurish-sounding sonic production. Sure, in 1997 nobody could produce a K-pop record properly, not even SM Entertainment (just listen to anything from H.O.T., or better yet, don’t), but for a K-pop song in 2014 to have this level of production incompetence is really unusual.

The main problem with it is poorly-adjusted vocal compression (also a H.O.T. trademark). If you listen to the vocals carefully, you’ll notice that the volume of the girls is dipping around all over the place. The song itself is even worse, with the only good thing about it being the instrumental break that first happens at 1:26, but it’s completely unsuited to all the material around it, and it only serves to emphasise how horrible and unlistenable everything else is.

Also, a repetitive electronic telephone noise in the middle of a pop song is something that you simply DO NOT DO (more on that later in this list). At least the people behind this group managed to churn out the equally badly produced, but far better musically “Run For Your Dream” before M.O.A inevitably imploded from nobodygivesashitaboutthesenugusitis.

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7. SM The Ballad – Breath

Anybody who knows my music taste either knew that this song would be riding high on this list, or just forgot that this song existed. I fully expected it to be complete trash, and of course I was right — SME and generic ballads for fuckheads go together like barebacking and STDs, and given the option, you’ll wish you were getting fucked up the ass by a drifter without a condom instead of fucked in the ear canal by Taeyeon and Jonghyun in this hideous aural gangbang.

This song sounds like shit and I’m not even being insulting or having a joke or making a metaphor for bad music or anything like that — I actually literally mean it when I say that this song sounds like the sound of shit. If you listen closely at 1:29, you’ll hear a plopping noise that sounds exactly like two tiny turds deattaching themselves from somebody’s log-encrusted asshole and breaking the water in an echoey toilet bowl. Another, slightly bigger and more runny turd audibly plops into the same bowl at 1:54, and from that point onward, the continual sound of fecal matter dribbling from the distended butthole of whoever in SME needed to take a shit that day gradually increases and integrates itself more fully into the mix until the soundscape becomes one seamless mush.

I suspect that the asshole belongs to either Jonghyun or Taeyeon, as in the video the two maintain a distance of at least eight meters from each other at all times despite the fact that they’re supposed to be singing a song together, and it’s kind of customary to stand together closely when singing duets. Clearly, one of them smells like poo and the other one is trying to maintain some distance from the stench, but that won’t save them from the real terror — neither of then can escape the pungent fecal nature of SME’s ballad songwriting.

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6. 2NE1 – Gotta Be You

YG, can we have a proper feature track from 2NE1 one day again, please? Is it really that much to ask?

Apparently so, because YG keeps giving them shit like this to perform. Certainly not the only sonic high-contrast mess to appear in 2014, but certainly the worst. The hodge-podge music and hideous visual stylings of “Gotta Be You” are heavily reminiscent of SNSD‘s “I Got A Boy“. However, “I Got A Boy” did have one thing going for it: the soundscape, while largely awful, was at least a little varied and unusual in places with the odd rare good bit. “Gotta Be You” is just content to cycle around the same few sections over and over … and they all suck. CL’s verses are some easy-listening/trap hybrid with terrifyingly grating synthesised harmonica (maybe it’s there to make CL’s rapping sound smooth and pleasant in comparison), Minzy’s bit is just “let’s hit a drum”, Dara’s is “let’s hit the same drum a bit faster and do a typical predictable crescendo build to the chorus like in every other song ever”, and then Bom and Minzy get “I guess we’d better finally put some actual song content in here, here’s a disco beat and some other stuff that was lying around from the Big Bang reunion that was going to happen before we decided to postpone it for another three years.”

None of it sits together well, and 2NE1 songs are increasingly sounding like stapled-together offcuts from other unfinished material. Perhaps that’s all 2NE1 is these days for YG, an exercise in spare backing-track clearance. No wonder some of the music video’s coloured rooms resemble the bars and charts my computer makes when it does a disk defragmentation, because I think what we’re really hearing here is the tidying up of Teddy’s studio hard drive. I suppose he needs to make more space for pictures of Han Ye Seul, but if he could do that without releasing any songs like this in the process, that’d be thoughtful of him.

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5. Honey Finger 6 – Different Positions

When you have a certain sound for a ringtone on your mobile phone, after a short while, your brain attunes itself to respond to the sound appropriately in a manner required for a phone user — the sound’s purpose therefore transforms from one of aesthetics to one of functionality. You don’t anymore associate the ringtone sound with the effect that the sound produces in its own right, but rather with the higher state of alertness that you need in order to answer your phone before the call diverts to your messaging service. Eventually, this association becomes so deeply ingrained that it transcends conscious thought. The first few notes of the ringtone become an aspect of subconscious memory that, upon detection, gives your brain a slight unpleasant flinch that jolts you from a relaxed state into immediate alertness.

Honey Finger 6 decided that it would be a great, absolutely wonderful, and oh-so-witty idea to give you this slight unpleasant jolting sensation at the start of each verse of their song by incorporating an annoyingly common ringtone directly into the song itself. What a bunch of cunts. The only thing that could be higher on the subconscious irritation scale is if they did the same thing with a digital alarm clock like that fucking annoying Laurie Anderson song.

I’m including them on this list as an example with the hope that they, and all other K-pop artists who might happen to chance upon this post, learn their lesson and never do anything this fucked to people’s brains ever again. Fucking assholes.

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4. Switch – 39 C

It’s said that sexy K-pop girl concepts sell, and there’s no denying that they at least have given some otherwise destined-to-be-ignored groups a solid leg up this year. However, the girls from 2014 nugus Switch could have participated in a hardcore porn video concept and it probably still wouldn’t have helped this song make a dent on the charts.

I’m not entirely convinced that shooting a porno MV to this wasn’t the initial plan anyway; pornographic videos always seem to lack decent audio quality, and so does this song. You always have to turn up the volume really loud on a porno to hear the mumbling, badly-recorded scene-setting dialogue (often the most entertaining part of the film), but once the girls start accepting thick, veiny cocks inside their buttholes, you’re swinging that volume control right back down to the lowest setting so you don’t have to hear the tediously overacted “ahh ahh ahh” from the female performers at eardrum-perforating, neighbour-alerting levels.

The chorus to this song has a very similar “ahh ahh ahh” refrain, which is about as pleasant to experience as herpes simplex, but nowhere near as catchy. The rest of the song is a mess of keyboard notes more random and less pleasant than a hedgehog running across a piano, combined with out-of-sync mumbling and tuneless warbles.

Also, when a “sexy concept” song actually starts off with the word “sexy” mouthed in awkward “sexy” fashion, you know that it’s just not working out the way that it should, because if you’re actually being sexy it should be self-evident and you shouldn’t need to ponce around going, “Look how sexy I’m being!” At least the girls look good, so in another similarity with adult videos, this MV is best enjoyed with the sound down.

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3. Zan Zan – Chicken Feet

This video from Chrome Entertainment, home of Crayon Pop, kicks off with one of the guys in Zan Zan crying. Then it cuts to a girl, and she’s also crying. Then later on in the song it cuts back to the guy and he’s crying some more. Then the other guy in the group starts crying. Then I started crying, because I realised that I was wasting precious seconds of my life listening to one of the worst K-pop songs of all-time. Then I thought to myself that maybe these people were crying for the same reason that I was crying, and maybe they didn’t want to listen to this trash either.

I can’t really blame the group for this sleepy-time caterwauling R&B shitbird, and here’s why: the guys from Zan Zan are both dressed up like 80s rappers, yet the music sounds like Barry Manilow at half speed, which is such an incongruous combination mismatch that it makes me think that it’s not their fault and that somebody at the label has pulled the rug out from under them.

“Korea’s taste in music is complete dogshit. Remember how hard ‘Bing Bing‘ flopped when it came out? We couldn’t even get on music shows for months! Knowing Korea, your crappy ballad will probably be a surprise hit! Here, have a barbecued chicken foot, it’ll cheer you up. Crunchy.” – ChoA

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2. Skrillex, Diplo, G-Dragon & CL – Dirty Vibe

It’s official, in 2014 dubstep was out, and trap was in. So much so that even dubcrap architect Skrillex couldn’t be bothered making his dubshit anymore. Trap is rap music’s unwelcome smelly friend that nobody invited to the party, pissing in the punch bowl, and nobody invited Skrillex to start making trap, and especially not collaborate with anyone at YGE.

This song is so terrible that I couldn’t even be bothered talking about it that much, and its worthlessness should be self-evident anyway, so instead I’ll hand it over to some random YouTube comments:

What I find funny is that I was expecting to see a lot of Skrillex fans or western music fans bashing this song, MV, GD and CL but after reading the comments….it’s the opposite. Skrillex fans and western music fans seem to really enjoy this song and MV but many kpoppers are bashing it.

That’s because Skrillex fans are used to listening to complete fucking random computer asslick masquerading as an actual song because that’s what Skrillex has been doing for years. K-pop fans, on the other hand, know that pop music can sometimes be listenable and therefore they occasionally expect some vague form of quality.

NEWS FLASH FOR ALL THE “DISAPPOINTED” KPOP FANS!~

This is NOT Kpop. Therefore if you were coming here expecting GD and CL’s usual. I’m sorry to let you know, but this is not it. So stop getting butt-hurt.

Translation: I’m a YGE stan and even I admit that this is garbage.

You kpoppers get so fucking butthurt when people go on your oppar’s or unnir’s videos and talk shit, but here you are, doing the exact same thing. GROW A PAIR AND LEAVE NEVERLAND. And if you don’t understand what that means, GROW UP. If you don’t like the song, you should leave without INSULTING anyone. This is not a kpop song, THIS IS SKRILLEX. You can’t expect this to be your usual kpop song.

Sometimes, I don’t want to admit I’m a kpopper with all the likes of you immature little ones.

Translation: I’m a YGE and a Skrillex stan and even I admit that this is garbage.

I’m laughing at the line of argument YGE fans are taking with defending their artists’ inclusion in “Dirty Vibe”, saying that it’s not really K-pop and that their faves didn’t have any say in it. I didn’t see anybody trotting out the “it’s not K-pop because a foreigner wrote it” argument when SME used Swedish songwriters to craft hits for SNSD, f(x), and EXO. Also never mind that whether they wrote bits of the song or not, both G-Dragon and CL were obviously quite on board with the idea of being in a Skrillex song in the first place, obviously knowing full well in advance how bad Skrillex sounds, and thus showing total lack of musical taste and discernment, so they’re still partly to blame for this shit.

Anything for those American bucks I guess … but it’s interesting to me to see the fan reaction, because usually YGE fans are championing their faves’ artistic abilities and creative input as much as possible, but now this piece of shit has come out and the tables have definitely turned. Now it’s all, “Nope, my CL had nothing to do with this, she just rapped what Skrillex said. Nope, this isn’t G-Dragon’s fault, he’s got nothing to do with this at all in any way shape or form whatsoever. Nope, YGE had no hand in this, it’s 100% Skrillex. Nope nope nope, don’t blame my bias, oh please for the love of god, don’t blame my bias.” If this isn’t the sign of a true stinker of a song, I don’t know what is.

I know you probably all think I’m just a YGE hater, but think about it: Skrillex won’t even list this song publicly on his YouTube channel, so when KPOPALYPSE, YGE fans, Skrillex fans, and even Skrillex himself are all united in their opinion that nobody should ever hear this trash, maybe they’re onto something, and maybe you should take heed. Just a thought.

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1. g.o.d. – Wind

g.o.d.’s awful, sentimental ballad from the pits of hell, “Wind“.

The group utilise glam-rock style rim-taps heavily through the entire song, and like my drummer friend who used to shove splintered drumsticks up his ass (really), the only question you need to ask yourself about this song is: Would listening to this trash for long enough to tap along to be more painful than having a wooden splinter lodged in your colon from shoving a drumstick up your ass?

In any case, please don’t listen to g.o.d., because it could potentially be just as painful as rectal bleeding from wooden splinters. The embedded YouTube video above is only so you know for sure that this song really exists, you’re not supposed to actually click on it and watch any of it.

It’s a dreadful travesty of a song from an old K-pop group that should have stayed in the past, so please be careful.

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